Dysregulation

A blog about emotional dysregulation.

I’ve been in freefall, reaching for anything that might slow my descent, but instead of grabbing a parachute, I take hold of an anchor that pulls me down faster. I look at myself from the outside and see myself making a mess of things in real time, but I am helpless to stop it. Well, I’m not. I can stop it, but it’s like tap-dancing on ice. It can be done, but the chance of breaking a leg is high.

I’m dysregulated. I’m impulsive. I’m making poor decisions.

I keep saying I don’t know why I do the things I’m doing, but I do know. I know my stressors and triggers, but this knowledge isn’t enough to keep me from falling back into bad habits. I’m freaking out all the time and making things worse, and somehow I’m supposed to work on my dreams. Write, post on Substack, make connections, etc. But I’m spending all my time making myself more stressed and upset, and then I feel unhappy that I’ve wasted my time and punish myself.

I don’t even know what to say, what to tell you. It’s the same thing over and over again because I can’t escape this cycle. I keep losing my energy to dysregulation. Every spare bit of energy is there to try and stop this pain, but I just keep on making it all worse.

I’m self destructive. I’m my own worst enemy.

I see myself and all my accomplishments and find a void instead of a person. A smudge over a soul. Nothing, just nothing. Maybe worse than nothing. Contaminated, a rejection on two legs.

I’m trying to stop it. I’m trying so hard and yet I keep finding myself back in the same place. I know that healing is not linear. I know it may seem like nothing has changed, but I’m slowly chipping away at things.

I wonder why I post these thoughts on the internet. I don’t know if they are worth reading. But I guess you would just stop reading if you didn’t want to. Maybe these words make you feel less alone. I hope so, I really do.

What am I doing? Why do I feel so lost when I have a dream to follow? Why have I stopped being able to take steps in that direction? When did it go from a passion to a nightmare? Why am I so dysregulated?

It’s getting better. The world is not ending. I’ve just forgotten how to be kind to myself, if I’ve ever known.

I feel like I’m speeding down a dead-end street with faulty brakes. I feel erratic. I don’t feel safe. I’m sad and scared. I’m a mess.

But I’m still here. I’m still here. I’m still here.

I’m a survivor. Life has not been kind to me, but I keep going because I believe in goodness and hope. I believe in myself, but dear god I’m dysregulated. I’m spending money I don’t have. I’m making choices that I don’t want. I waste time. I stress myself out. I can’t relax. I’m suffocating myself for no good reason. I hate myself, and I’m so tired of hating myself. I know I don’t deserve it, but I feel I do. It fuels the dysregulation. It makes me keep on running, keep on falling, keep on crashing out. I want to be better.

What does better even mean? My therapist asks me that and I sit there feeling stumped. I come up with an answer, “being happy” or “doing more.” Does that make me better? Will I ever be better?

I’m so embarrassed that I keep on making posts about my issues. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it reminds me of how long I’ve been feeling so upset. I just want to shake it up and give you good news. I want to be different.

I’m so dysregulated. Every day I fall and fall. Most days I lose myself in fantasies, ignoring as I crumble to pieces.

It’s 3am. I’ve meant to make this post for over a week. I have to get up early, but I’m making this post instead.

My room is messy. I don’t want anyone to see it. I don’t want to be perceived. I’m ashamed of my state of mind, of myself, but I don’t deserve that. I’m struggling, but that isn’t something to be ashamed of.

I want to show up consistently. I don’t want to disappoint people.

I’m not consistent. I’m not perfect. I’m not emotionally regulated.

But I’m here.