Pathways

Losing my mind is so predictable isn't it?

I'm at an intersection. All around me, pathways crisscross like branches of a tree. I stand there paralyzed. I take a few steps down a path and my stomach clenches. Sweat beads on my skin. I try to ignore it, to keep going forward.

Maybe it's not right?

I look back, but the intersection is gone, all that is left is a murky fog. I can't go back to what was, but I don't know if where I'm going is right for me.

I get sick upon the infinite paths.

That's how everything feels right now. There are too many pathways in front of me and all of them feel wrong. Or rather, I've forced myself to keep going down the wrong path until I'm not sure I can go back to what was.

I don't know if it's the wrong path.

It just feels unsafe. But isn't that what you are supposed to do in life? Push yourself forward? But how far should you keep running when your knees are screaming?

How do I go back?

Should I go back?

I know of the sunk cost fallacy, but maybe I just haven't gone far enough?

I'm not sure if any of this will make sense. Sometimes in life we have so many options in front of us that everything gets overwhelming. Not just that, but sometimes a wild card option shows up that changes your trajectory completely.

I don't know what I'm doing.

But does anyone?

Side tangent, but sometimes it feels unhelpful to be reminded that your experience is everyone else's. Doesn't it sometimes just feel...minimizing? I know everyone else has this problem, but today I just want it to be my problem. Other times it's comforting.

I do want advice, though.

Random stranger, do I keep studying life insurance for a job I'll probably hate? Or do I just focus on writing again and be broke? I know what I'd rather do, but we live in capitalism.

I hate it.

I don't know what path to choose.

I can't remember who I am anymore. This new path feels wrong. If I know this, why do I keep going down it? Maybe it will get better over time.

Do I have a choice?

-Aether

This was something I quickly came up with. It’s just an exploration of my feelings. I don’t know if it will resonate with anyone, but it was something I needed to write.