Spiral

In the midst of a vortex I glance up at the blue sky and wonder if it’s always been the same. Did the azure heavens look down at me when everything was at peace as it does now while I destroy myself?

I spiral…

And spiral…

And spiral…

And spiral…

I keep making choices that don’t make sense. I know they’re bad, but some magnet force from hell keeps me going in that direction. I want it to stop. I want to remember what it feels like to know what I’m doing. I want to know who I am.

Whatever that means.

Who I am.

Where I am.

How to live.

I want it all.

I crave it like water in a desert. I need it like air in outer space. I desire it like a lover on my wedding night.

Fucking help me.

I’m getting help.

I hate how vulnerable I am, but it’s all I can write. It’s all I want to share.

This is my platform. I can be a mess on it.

You’ll understand, right?

I can only see the sky from down here. I can’t tell where I am going, or how to get out.

I’m getting help.

But I keep clawing my way forward in the pitch black void. I keep scratching out my eyes as if that would make it easier to see.

I want to remember what is good for me.

I want to breathe again.

I want. I want. I want.

I’m spiraling.

I’m spiraling.

I’m spiraling.

But the sky's still blue. It’s clear and bright and I can reach it. I can grasp it, pool it in my hand like a bit of the ocean and slurp it down. I can escape.

I can be at peace.