The Child Was Crying
Three personalities struggle to get along. Is that a child crying in the distance?
TW: references to death. Vague mention of suicide. Violence.
ES’S COLOR. EN’S COLOR. EL’S COLOR
“Have you considered how much I hate you?” En said. They had the same long white hair as me, but they always tied it in a messy ponytail.
“That’s not a nice thing to say,” El said, with their white curling hair pushed behind their ears.
“I know. That’s why I said it.” En pushed their hands into their pants pockets as a meandering breeze rustled their hair. Below us, the amethyst platform sparkled as stars poured starlight upon us.
“I don’t know what to do about that.” I ran a hand through my pin straight tresses and avoided En’s glare.
“You could redacted.”
“Don’t say that!” El gasped.
A hole opened up in my heart, and even as my feet stood steady, my soul plummeted, yet nothing changed on the outside. I opened my mouth to respond, not knowing what would come out, when En walked away.
“En!” El cried.
“Fuck you,” I whispered.
“What was that, Es?” En stalked towards me, a crooked smile on their face. “Standing up for yourself, for once?”
“Why do you always do this?” I said.
They stabbed their finger into my chest. “Because I hate you.”
“En.” El grabbed En’s shoulder. “Please.”
They turned and let El lead them away. I slipped to the ground and put my head in my hands.
En does it for a reason. We all exist to protect one another, Era had said once, back when they were still with us. The thought hitched my chest, and I cried. Era had known how to keep us working together. They could even make En smile and laugh. I tried to get along with En and El, but as much as El didn’t want to admit it, they loved En more than me. Era had been closer to me…until…
My head fuzzed until I couldn’t breathe or think. The world became too close and too far…and I became…
I couldn’t stand them. Even El got on my nerves these days, and they were El. I loved El, but everything was unbearable. Life sucked. It sucked and Es pissed me off. They kept running off and doing things without permission, and then they wondered why I hated them. It was more than that…it was…
A child cried in the distance.
I didn’t hear them. I didn’t hear them. I didn’t-
“En?” El said. They kneeled down on the crystalline ground next to where I laid.
“What?”
“Are you okay?” they asked.
“Why do you ask?”
“You seem upset.” They played with the fabric of their shirt.
I clenched my fists. “Go bother Es, El.”
“I don’t want to. I like you.” El smiled.
“El.” I sat up. “This isn’t a thing. You and me. I don’t care about you.”
El still smiled.
“Go. Away.”
“Do you remember Era?” El asked.
“Don’t.”
“It’s just…you only ever told them why you’re so mad…and I can’t remember…even though I’m-”
“Shut up.”
“En?” El shrunk in on themselves.
“Did I ever tell you how much I fucking hate you?”
A tear slipped down El’s cheek. Their smile seemed haunted, like the grin of someone choking out sobs.
“You don’t…you’re just saying that.”
“Fuck off, El.”
“En-”
“Now!” I screamed.
El ran, whimpering as they went.
My chest pounded, yet I felt cold. Too alive and too dead. My contradiction. I laughed and put a hand to my face. Too many contradictions, too many-
Was that a child crying?
No. No, it wasn’t; I decided.
Yet the world fuzzed as I laughed. I didn’t fight it. Dear god, I didn’t fight it. I didn’t want to be there. And I became…
I couldn’t stop crying, and that felt silly because En didn’t mean it. Their anger wasn’t their fault. It had a purpose. It had to. It meant something.
But it hurt.
I should visit Es, cheer them up just like Era would, but I’m not Era. Not anymore. I…used to be, somehow. Partially. That’s why I loved En, because I held Era’s love, but En didn’t love me because all they saw was a corpse of someone they adored. I’m not Era. I’m not, but if I was, I could fix this. But I’m not. I’m just El, and I’m crying.
It’s okay to cry, a memory whispered.
I could do this. I wiped my tears and smiled…but more tears fell and my heart sank and nothing felt right.
“El?” Es walked up to me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I smiled.
“Was En mean to you?”
“No…no…I was just thinking about Era.”
“Oh.” They shuffled around and wouldn’t quite look at me.
“Do I remind you of them?”
They glanced at me. “A little, but well, you’re not the same. You both try to better us. To make us feel better.”
“But Era was better at it.” I chuckled.
“I think it’s just confidence.”
“I guess I am kind of weak.” I shrugged.
“Don’t say that.” Es grabbed my hand. “You’re just different, and me and En never got along, anyways.”
“Maybe that’s why they hate me.” My vision blurred as my tears wouldn’t stop.
“Did they say that to you?” Es squeezed my hand, frowning.
“No,” I lied. I don’t know why.
“I’m sure they didn’t mean it. They’re just angry.” They brushed their hair out of their face and looked at me again. “But fuck, that doesn’t make it okay.”
“It’s fine. They say it for a reason. They say it because-”
“You’re weak.” En stalked towards me.
I stilled. I couldn’t hear anything. I didn’t look at them, and my vision seemed to phase through everything. My heart burned and I couldn’t feel my screaming eyes. And I became…
“How dare you!” I stepped up to En.
En scoffed. “What are you gonna do about it?”
I shoved En.
En grinned and threw a punch. I backed out of it. They came up closer, and I slammed my hand into their chest. En grunted.
“Stop it!” El cried.
I punched En, but they blocked it with their wrist. En’s fist grazed my chest. I shoved my shoulder into them.
“Stop it, please!” El screamed.
En threw their fist hard. A thump and a cry echoed out as flesh connected with flesh. El cried out in pain and collapsed.
“El!” En’s gaze went wide. He kneeled down next to a crying, bleeding El.
I found myself stuck. I wanted to help El…but everything was wrong. It was wrong again. We weren’t supposed to hurt each other like this. It hadn’t been this bad since…
A child was crying.
And I became…
I hadn’t meant to hit El. Fuck. Blood poured out of their button nose. Their eyes glistened with tears, yet looked dead, like there was nothing there.
“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I ripped a piece off my shirt and reached to try and stop the bleeding, but they flinched. I paused. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
“I know,” they whimpered. “You don’t mean to hurt people.”
Shut up, I wanted to say. You sound like Era.
Es stood there standing, lost in space.
“Are you going to do something?” I spat.
“Um,” they said.
“You’re fucking useless,” I said. I gritted my teeth. “And I’m the worst.”
“Why do we only hurt each other?” El sobbed, choking on the blood from their broken nose. “Era said that we protect each other. That we are meant to. So WHY DO WE ALWAYS HURT EACH OTHER!” El let go of their nose and pressed their bloodied hands against their forehead.
“El?” I whispered.
“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”
Es kneeled down next to El. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll stop fighting.”
“It’s never going to be okay,” El whimpered. “Never.”
“El.” I wrapped my arms around them and tried to hold them so tight that they wouldn’t leave me. “I love you.”
“It’s too late. I’m not good enough. You need someone…better.”
“No. I need you, El.” I held them, but they were shaking and I couldn’t handle it. It was happening again. “Don’t leave me.”
A child was crying.
A child was crying.
A child was crying.
El stopped shaking.
“El?” Hope and fear warred in my heart. Would they still be El, or would it be like Era? One day, the stress of life, the fighting, our past, trying to fix it all, became too much and Era split in two. A curly haired sweetheart on one side and a-
“Why do we always ignore them?” El said, their voice too flat.
We all turned and saw them; small white-haired and crying.
And I couldn’t. Because they couldn’t be. The world wasn’t right. Nothing was right. And I became…
I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I hoped I was El, but I didn’t feel right. I felt so wrong and now there was the child.
The child was crying.
Always crying.
Yet we never looked at them.
Probably like we learned to do by the people who were meant to love and protect us and instead had left us-
Bloodied and bruised on the floor.
Terrified and mean.
Dissociated and alone.
I shoved En aside. I held my nose as I stepped up to the child. I probably looked horrifying and yet the child looked hopeful, because for once someone was listening.
I kneeled before the child. “Are you okay?”
They just whimpered.
“Why are you crying?” I asked. “Sorry I look so scary.” I smiled, my tears pausing for a moment.
“I’m scared,” the child said.
“Why?”
The child sobbed, and visions flashed through my mind. Memories of horrible things. Things I wasn’t sure I was meant to see, and I wavered, shaking, unsure of how I could live with those memories, those tragedies, countless, and too big to carry.
How did this child live with these burdens on their shoulders?
“El!” En grabbed my upper arms.
“Ignore them. That kid’s a liar. None of that stuff happened.”
“It’s so bad,” I murmured.
“It’s not real!”
The child was crying, already forgotten again.
“They’re a liar. That kid’s a liar, El.” En said. They trembled as they held me. “Please don’t leave me.”
But I couldn’t listen. I didn’t know how to carry it all and I wasn’t strong like Era, good enough like Era…and even Era had broken. We were always breaking…crumbling and tumbling until we became dust…
And I became…
En cried into El’s too still shoulder. And I stood over them, useless. I looked to the side where the child was crying.
This time I took their hand.
They looked up at me, hopeful and scared. So very frightened and yet they still managed to hope.
Unlike me.
So we walked away hand in hand. The child sniffled but didn’t sob. I didn’t know what to do, how to help them, but I was there. Finally, someone was there.
Behind us, En called the child a liar as El crumbled against them. I didn’t know how to help El. I didn’t know if there was an answer. I could only hope that El would realize how strong they were. I had to believe that El wouldn’t break and that everything would be okay.
And that the child could stop crying.
This short story is the most vulnerable piece I have ever written. It explores the messier aspects of Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is a disorder in which you have multiple personalities. I have written a blog to accompany this post which you can read here. I also have a previous blog on Dissociative Identity Disorder if you are curious to learn more.
Beautiful work