Maladaptive Daydreaming

A confession about a big part of me.

What would you do if you could create any fantasy you want in vivid detail? If you could craft shame-free stories just for yourself from the comfort of your bed? Would you even want to wake from that?

I know I kind of described writing, but I’m talking about maladaptive daydreaming as you may have guessed from the title of this post. I have an issue with maladaptive daydreaming, which is where you create stories in your mind. I’ve been doing it since I was a little kid. It was one of the ways I survived my abusive household. It’s part of the reason I became a writer. Writing after all, is just daydreaming that you write down.

I hate the word maladaptive. It makes it sound like a bad thing, and it’s not. It’s a beautiful, wondrous thing. It’s one of my favorite things to do in the world. It makes me happy. It gives me catharsis, and it is the one thing that allows me to relax.

The problem is when you do it all day, every day, for a month or longer. When you sneak away from friendships just to squeeze in another hour of playing with characters in your mind. When you let your reality fall apart just to escape to another world. I’ve done it and have had to pick up the pieces. Tensions in relationships, messy rooms, feeling disconnected from my hobbies. Depression often comes along with my bouts of excessive daydreaming. Everything else feels like pulling teeth, so why stop? When the world feels horrible and I have nasty thoughts, I’d rather disappear into another world that I can control.

I tend to find it comes in phases for me. Either it’s available and I want to make up stories all day and nothing else matters, or I’ve forgotten how to do it and all I want to do is focus on the real world. A balance between these two opposites is something I strive for but have not yet managed to succeed in creating. Either way, I’d unfortunately have to call my daydreaming maladaptive. I have sometimes heard it be called immersive daydreaming when it isn’t to the extent where it’s low-key ruining your life. I prefer that title much more than the other one, but alas, I am not healthy with it.

It’s what I’ve been doing instead of writing. My deadlines draw closer and I keep running away from them to escape to my lovely stories. To a place where stress and pressure don’t exist (at least for me, my characters go through hell sometimes lol).

I used to feel ashamed of it. Like I was the only person in the world who had ever done this. I treasured it, yet I didn’t want anyone to know about it. In fact, I still will not tell you about a single story I created when I’m immersive daydreaming. They are mine and mine alone. Pieces of them will be turned into short stories and novels, but the original daydream will never see the light of day. That is how it will always be. Maybe that’s a shame. Maybe I’m like a possessive lover over them. I’m not sure. Either way, I’m not as frightened to tell people about this. I’ve met a lot of people who do it, and I don’t want them to feel alone. I don’t want them to think they are bad for doing it, as I used to think.

Immersive daydreaming can feel like a waste of time, or something a lazy person would do, or at least I accuse myself of that. However, I think it helps me process things in a safe manner. It lets me cope with reality, perhaps in an unhealthy way when I go too far, but it lets me take a break so my heightened emotions can come back a little cooled off. It’s a way to express myself in a safe space. It’s just fun, brilliantly fun.

I’m not sure what the goal of this post is. Maybe I just want to own it. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of this. I know I go too far, I know it’s addictive, but it’s a part of me. Maybe I’m just bleeding out in front of you, telling you an issue of mine, but I needed to let you see it, because it defines me so much. And in doing so, perhaps I can heal a little. More than that, maybe someone like me will read this and feel a little less alone, because I know I’m not alone, and what anyone who maladaptive daydreams really needs is more connections. I used to daydream so much out of loneliness because either I had no one, or I had isolated so much that I felt like I had nobody. Because you can create as many characters as you want, make them love you, but it will never fill that hole in your heart that a real person fills. So maybe I’m here to remind you you’re not alone, and you, dear reader, are here to remind me that I’m not alone.

I don’t know. I’m going to go back to maladaptive daydreaming now lol.

-Aether

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Picture by Maria Orlova

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If you liked my short story consider taking a look at the other short stories I have on Substack: Short Story Collection

I also have been posting poetry on here, consider checking out: Becoming Human

I blog about mental health if you are curious about that: My Moods Are So Messed Up

If you think a girl resurrected from the dead trying to seduce the god of the underworld sounds fun, consider checking out: The Mark of Death a novella/serialized novel.