Splitting my Soul

A blog about grief caused by my Dissociative Identity Disorder. I wrote about the loss of losing a part through splitting, a phenomenon where a part breaks because of too much stress.

I don’t know whether or not I’ll post this. I thought I wanted to share this, but I don’t know if all of me wants to share it. I feel so alone in my experience, and maybe if I explain it well enough, I won’t be so isolated in my grief.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have spoken about this before, so if you need a general understanding of it, you can check out this post. But the quick explanation is that I have multiple personalities. I call each personality a part, and they each have their own beliefs, likes, and dislikes. We are constantly arguing and pissing each other off, but at the same time, there is a deep love between us. I don’t think you could share a body with other people without creating some form of a bond with each other.

There is this concept of splitting, which is when one part splits into two or more personalities because of being overwhelmed or too stressed. I explored splitting in “The Child Was Crying,” and there was a companion piece (which you can read here) where a part explained how the story was very personal and connected to our system. A certain part wrote it, Kira.

Kira’s…gone.

The doctors will tell you it isn’t death. That parts cannot die. They just transform into two or more parts. They are still around, you see, just different.

I think that’s bullshit.

That’s not how it feels. It’s not my reality. I don’t care that they live on as different parts in my mind. They’re different people. They are not Kira, the part I loved deeply. Kira is gone, and I can never talk to them, comfort them, or even share the body with them. I will never get to experience life together as we share the body’s hands. They’re dead.

Don’t tell me otherwise.

And what fucks me up is whether a part would go to some afterlife. I believe that some day, when we (my system¹) die, that we will go somewhere. I’m spiritual, agnostic, I believe in something. But what happens to the parts of me that became other personalities? Where do they go? Will I ever get the chance to talk to Kira again?

I hope so. I really do. I need to believe that I can.

So what happened? If you go back to this post, you can see him talk about how he is close to splitting. It’s sad to read now, as his fears became reality. He’s gone because he was carrying too much stress. Worries about money, OCD, interpersonal issues, there were plenty of reasons. But Friday, the twenty-fourth of July in 2026, he was pushed too far. We were around one of our abusers and a stray comment from someone close to us hit him a little hard. It hurt him too much. It was just enough to be the tipping point where Kira couldn’t hold on anymore.

And now he’s gone.

I loved him, and he’s gone. Kira often comforted me, rather than the other way around. I always wanted to make him feel better, but I never quite could as my own anxieties tormented me (I have a lot of memories and physical symptoms of our medical trauma). He was always anxious and plagued with OCD. Yet, he loved to plan, listen to music, write, etc. He enjoyed helping the system and seeing what others liked to do. He was open to things, even if he was scared. Everyone in the system loved him because he was sweet and did his best.

The saddest thing to me is that he never really got a chance to live. Our system is still figuring out a lot of things, and one of them is letting the more anxious/scared parts have time to explore what they like and enjoy existing. Kira always wanted to do more, but wasn’t allowed to, but things are shifting. He could have experienced so many things.

Not anymore.

Not anymore…I only wish we could have done more things together. Maybe we could have watched a sunset at the beach together, or watched the moon reflect off a lake. We could read in a library together or smell flowers in a botanical garden. There were so many things we could have done, but not anymore.

We’ve decided to make a planner in his honor because he loved to plan and organize things. We will decorate it all with things he likes. It will take time, but it will come together and be beautiful. I think it’s something he would have enjoyed. We need to do something, because doing nothing feels suffocating.

It’s hard to talk about because I think so many people wouldn’t understand. They might think that since I’m still here, that my body is still here, there is nothing to grieve. But part of me is gone. You can’t see it, but there’s a gaping wound in my soul. Something has broken and needs to heal, but it never truly will. There’s a hole that can never quite be filled.

If you have ever lost someone, a pet or a person. If you have ever let go of something you loved, then you can understand me. It’s just that this person was ethereal. He existed inside of our mind and sometimes surfaced in reality, as he piloted the body. He was real. He existed.

He meant so much to all of us, and we didn’t even realize it. Kira’s been around for as long as I can remember. Even before my memory, back to when we first discovered our DID, and he likely was a part even before we knew about each other. He’s been a constant in the system even as parts went dormant and shifted. Kira always stayed. He was always a little anxious and shy, but he would be there for you. He would hold your pain with you. He cared. He loved. He deserved more.

I miss him, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve met at least one part that came from his split, and I feel lost. I find myself angry at them, even though it’s not their fault.

I really don’t know how to end this. I don’t know if any of this made sense. I don’t know if this is just for me. I just really wish it didn’t happen. I wish that we had managed our stress better, or stayed away from triggers, and had been better with interpersonal relationships. I keep thinking about how it could have been prevented. I can’t help myself from thinking, “is there something I could have done?” I truly don’t know.

He’s just…gone.

He’s gone, and no one knows. No one really cares. They don’t see the loss.

I’m alone. Especially now that Kira’s gone.

Maybe now…you see me.

All I can say is that I miss him with all of my being. I hope I can be with him again one day. He was real and he mattered. I love him and I always will.

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1. A system is what you call a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder’s group of personalities.